Donald Trump Joins the Dictators’ Birthday Club
George Washington has to be spinning in his grave over this military parade
I’m no believer in the paranormal, but I’m pretty sure those strange groaning sounds coming from the sky saying “this isn’t what we had in mind” are the voices of the Founding Fathers.
Because on Saturday, the United States of America is throwing a military parade — tanks, jets, troops, the whole authoritarian aesthetic — to celebrate the 79th birthday of Donald Trump, a man who has already found a new hobby: dispatching the military to police Americans for the political aim of provoking violence.
This is far worse than mere abuse of the presidency as reality TV. Nor can it be dismissed as the customary “own the libs” frivolity to provoke Trump Derangement Syndrome.
Staging a massive military parade to honor a president’s birthday represents something far darker. This must not get tossed aside as just another distraction.
Trump’s rationalizers have attempted to cover their blasphemy with a lame excuse: Why, the U.S. Army turns 250 at the same time Trump turns 79 — and we already were planning festivities. Albeit not a military parade.
So why not just merge our birthday parties? How fun.
It’s all totally unrelated, we’re told, to the fact that Trump has spent years publicly fantasizing about a military parade of his own and is now getting one — in the city named for George Washington. Pure coincidence.
Washington went far beyond refusal of lofty titles — declining suggestions like “His Highness” — and insisted on the simple, unassuming designation “Mr. President.” He also was adamant the presidency never be cloaked in military garb.
Washington not only refused royal trappings — he was deeply wary of the military’s influence over civilian life. In his farewell address, he warned of “overgrown military establishments” as threats to liberty and republican government.
Like his fellow Founders, Washington believed the republic must never be ruled by a king — the rare point of total agreement among the cantankerous Framers. And the founding ideal was clear about this, as well: In America, the military would answer to civilians — not celebrate them.
Trump and MAGA had already violated decency in absconding with “1776” as their meme-friendly branding. But this military parade is exponentially worse.
It’s the clearest betrayal yet of the American Revolution — the one that rejected monarchy and military rule. It gave us a republic: fragile, flawed, and never guaranteed.
A military parade paying homage to an exalted president’s birthday could not stray further from “American originalism.” It’s so gross that it’s not even considered best practice among many of the world’s worst authoritarians.
But there have been a handful of members in the Dictators’ Birthday Club:
Adolf Hitler’s 50th birthday — April 20, 1939 (Germany)
A massive military parade consumed the streets of Berlin, including 40,000 troops, 120+ aircraft, tanks, artillery, and anti-aircraft guns. The spectacle was broadcast nationally, with schoolchildren instructed to celebrate. The event is often described as Hitler’s ceremonial sendoff to World War II.
Joseph Stalin’s 70th birthday — December 21, 1949 (Soviet Union)
The entire Soviet apparatus — including the military — participated in orchestrated tributes with flyovers, gun salutes, and widespread symbolic displays of might. But it should be noted that Stalin didn’t specifically sit for a parade, so Trump can rightfully claim that “it’s not even close.”
Saddam Hussein’s many birthdays — April 28 (Iraq)
April 28 was a national holiday in Iraq during Saddam’s rule. Military parades were staged in his honor annually, especially in the 1980s during the Iran-Iraq War. Streets were plastered with his image; army loyalty was publicly pledged. Saddam would often personally review troops from a balcony or open-top vehicle.
Muammar Gaddafi’s many birthdays — June 7 (Libya)
Gaddafi’s birthday celebrations featured flyovers, tanks, and missile systems, often including bizarre symbolic elements (e.g., golden weapons, tribal displays). It remains to be seen whether Trump’s will be as well-choreographed. Maybe Cabinet members could take turns massaging his bone spurs?
Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-il, and Kim Jong-un — April 15, February 16, January 8 (North Korea)
The tradition began with Grandpa Kim’s “Day of the Sun,” a national celebration — no relation to our own April 15 rituals — that carries on to this day. Papa Kim’s is known as the “Day of the Shining Star.” Today’s Kim Jong-un is far more modest, but he still enjoys a military parade while opening his birthday card from Trump.
Missing from the list is Vladimir Putin, who apparently regards such birthday parties as too gauche.
But let’s not assume this is all fun and games.
Trump has — without a molecule of provocation — already warned protesters they will be met with “very big force” should they attempt to ruin his birthday party. His press secretary dismissed as “stupid” media questions seeking clarification of Trump’s words.
This Saturday, Donald Trump will venture far beyond offending his hated political opponents and, for that matter, all Americans disinterested in feeding his insatiable ego.
This one’s much worse. He’s offending the memory of Washington — in Washington.
Trump better hope there’s no such thing as ghosts.
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Thanks for the history, Ray. I remember seeing goose stepping soldiers in parades, but couldn't remember which country, I assumed it was the Soviet Union. I also remember the Soviet Union's May Day (May 1) parades but just read that they were for workers and there were no soldiers involved.